MAYBE I WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENT!

If you're like me you've been frustrated with the fake politicians, the crony capitalism, the global agendas, the engineered subversion of the family, the corruption, and the general chicanery of our elected officials.  I research, call my representatives, vent on this blog, argue with neighbors (and friends), cry, hand-deliver flyers of encouragement, write inspiring messages of liberty on dollar bills (no, that's not illegal because it's not even real money just a note from a bank issued as an instrument of debt [more on that later]), and I even sometimes think about giving up the fight.  But then I had an epiphany... lightning struck my brain.  I WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENT!

I've done some careful research of electoral victors from the past and have compiled a strategy for what I must do to have a successful campaign that will lead to my election.  

A LIST OF MY CAMPAIGN PROMISES 

1 - I will fight to make sure your energy bills go up.

2 - I promise to make unauthorized changes to the law even though that would be breaking the law.

3 - I will see to it that our soldiers and military personnel are given unrealistic guidelines and while following those rules might be left to die without aid.

4 - I vow to use different departments under my supervision to target and go after those who oppose me and my party.

5 - If you give me money to help get me elected, I will make sure that you get preferential treatment and possibly even receive money at the expense of others.

6 - I will test the limits of how far you will let me go in my quest to infringe on every aspect of your once-private lives.

7 - I will travel to as many countries as I can (at your expense) and tell those people about how much you suck, and that only with my help you won't suck quite as bad anymore.

8 - I will encourage the assassinations of American citizens who are suspected to be traitors/terrorists without a trial, and I reserve the right to define what makes a person a traitor/terrorist (which may change on a daily basis) NOTE: this promise may be used in conjunction with promise #4.

9 - I will lie to you everyday, but you can relax because I will make sure to tell you only what you want to hear.

10 - I will live a lavish and luxurious lifestyle with exotic vacations and an extravagant entourage (all at your expense of course) while condemning others who have wealth and seizing their property to give it to those whom I choose (most likely people I promised favors to) [see promise #5].

I'M COUNTING ON YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT!

SEVEN THINGS THAT MUST BE FROM THE PITS OF HELL

Normally we cover some pretty serious stuff on here but I thought it was about time for a little respite from the usual kerfuffle.  So here we go.  

SEVEN THINGS THAT MUST BE FROM THE PITS OF HELL:

FLAT-HEAD SCREWS

This demonic weapon has been the bane of dads and handymen across the globe.  Since the invention of the Phillips or "cross-head" screw in the mid-1930's this evil device no longer serves any real purpose to mankind.  However, manufacturers continue to produce this abomination... proof, I think, that it is a craft straight from the abyss.

AIRPLANE SEATS

Obviously implemented as a form of torture by Satan himself, these seats are in no way designed to accommodate the human form.  However, probably quite suitable for a snarling beast from the underworld. 

SUGAR-FREE GUMMY BEARS

I will confess that I have not tried these (nor ever will) but I read some of the reviews and they had me crying.  I knew these had to make the list.

SINGLE-PLY TOILET PAPER

(no commentary needed)







GAS STATION BATHROOMS

It is a little known fact that gas station bathrooms are actually secret portals to hell itself... complete with single-ply toilet paper of course.  When you leave one of these demonic gateways you are left wondering, "Should I wash my hands or try to escape without touching anything?" 






CLAMSHELL PLASTIC PACKAGING


It's always so exciting to get something new but that joy soon fades as we are faced with the insurmountable task of actually opening the package... especially if it is secured in what is known as a "clamshell."  Countless toys and devices have been maimed and broken while trying to access our new acquisitions held captive in these force-fields from Hell.  The word "clamshell" even has the word "hell" in it.  Such an obvious clue regarding it's origins.   







SHOPPING CART WITH THE BAD WHEEL

I'm sure we've all had one of these and the shopping cart itself is probably not from the lake of burning sulfur.  What IS evil is the timing when you happen to choose the one with the shaky wheel.  On a trip to the market alone where I am free to frolic through the aisles at my leisure, my cart's wheels are aligned with laser precision and lubricated properly...
But when I'm forced to go with three screaming children and must fly through the store with limited time, my cart is possessed by an agent of darkness.